Are we conditioned not to love ourselves?

How to start the subject of self-respect and self-love?

It’s pretty obvious this subject is of extreme importance even if I wouldn’t write the reasons. It is not in my intention to write long boring articles that will inspire one of hundred people who will share the article and think how this make sense. Then, what is my objective? In one hand – I don’t have it. I decided to write without expectation, assumptions, planning. Of course I would love it if it would synchronise with you and make you do some serious steps toward developing self-love. Of course I would love if discussions start rolling and we finally talk about ideas and experiences about how to get close to it, but I am aware that in the hyper-world we don’t have time even to give a serious opinion, let alone to involve in a discussion. Of course I would love to make people conscious that this means dealing with the source of most of the problems. To make them (you) realize how many things change when we start putting self-respect into practice. When we learn to say NO at the right moment, YES at the right moment, NEVER AGAIN at the right moment.

I write about what I synchronise with and which logic is hitting my head so much that I have to share the headache. I apologise in advance. Somehow I have a feeling that If I share it with a lot of you, it has to disappear… and when something disappears, something new appears. Life doesn’t go without death, breath doesn’t go without an exhale.


I repeat the question – what is my objective?

In another hand my objective is selfish. I write to make myself more conscious and remind myself what I’ve learned about it so far, and to start utilizing it again. But, at the same time, part of me wants to see that the world hasn’t died yet from constant overdosing by web and there is still hope that group of people start changing themselves for the better. And this platform…at the moment is all I got. Part of me wants to see that someone still cares about her/himself, to go crazy, to scream, to show that damn emotion we are famous for as human beings.  Because I haven’t seen something alive in people for a long time already. I could see it in the ego, but not in them. And ego is going over my head already (this s why I struggle with the headache).

Ok, yes, I have some expectations… obviously. Consequence of being a human, and not a perfect one. Forget about perfection, it doesn’t exist. If it would, nothing would have meaning anymore. When you reach perfection, then what? What is there to change, to work on, how to challenge yourself? It is an unreachable concept and because of that it is perfect. But, just because something is unreachable, it doesn’t mean you should not strive to it. Without choosing the right direction – and that is the one which is aligned with the emotions which rise your vibration up, there is no progress. So, what I’m going to write about here is – how and why to strive to that unreachability.

First thing I need to clarify is that my brain functions on seeking the source of the problem. I don’t care about dealing with symptoms even though the medicine sounds promising. I seek for the root. The last inch of the root. I believe that in essence there are only a few things we should work on to solve any problem in our life. Yes, I sad “any”. The solution because of that doesn’t look connected to the problem. Actually it looks very far from it. This is the reason why people don’t go down this path – it seems it will need an eternity for the problem and solution to come face to face. … Not realizing that dealing with the source means dealing with more than one problem. It transforms our whole life and it lifts us up on the level from which we see that previous problems were a joke. Then, it seems unbelievable that we spent so much time worrying about them.

It is similar with our body. It is self-healing, the only thing you need to do is give him the right conditions. But, when it heals – it heals everything. It has its own priorities, but it heals whole, it doesn’t focus on one disease and stops. Principle of healing is always comparable with our psychological problems. When we focus on the source, the mind focuses on everything. You don’t heal only your fear of public speaking or fear of elevators. You are not a machine which just needs to replace the broken parts, you are a Whole whose parts communicate with each other and help each other to keep you in an optimal state.

Will I ever start talking about self-respect? Yes, but this wasn’t an introduction. These were the first steps. Becoming conscious is one of those roots where  the water reached. Without this process there is nothing. It shows up before or right after an emotion which builds up in us as an earthquake that will push the last drop over the glass.


Why is it so hard to love ourselves?

It’s not your fault. We’ve been conditioned into it. Not only by our surroundings, but with the way we were raised by our parents, even though they didn’t have bad intentions. People do the best they know, and they know what they’ve learned from others and every cause & effect situation in their lives. Through our growing up process we were taught that some actions mean we’re behaving “good” – in translation – according to others desires, and that some actions make us “bad”. Through the system of awards and punishments we tried to build ourselves as people, at the same time leaving marks of confusion and low self-worth because of the unanswered questions to our “bad” behaviour. In many situations love toward our closest was introduced as unconditional, the most important or even the only important one – while everything opposite was demonstrated.

Despite all negative emotions and discomfort, it was expected that the level of love and respect would always be at the top, because family is – family. In this kind of situations we lose ourselves because the world that we observe is not in alignment with the world other people are convincing us is real. The consequence of this is that we start doubting in words and emotions, and suddenly we start observing them as fake. This develops quite big amount of frustration because we are not allowed to express how we feel, and later we simply give up from making sense of the emotions and we create roles which others approve, but which damage us. We start feeling fake because we don’t live in accordance to the belief system which makes us – us.



When we grow up we are already so conditioned that we start applying the principle of awards & punishments on ourselves. One of the ways of punishing is the abridgement of opportunities as an effect of our thinking mind where we are not good enough to complete them anyway. The second way is disrespecting ourselves because of which we allow others to disrespect us. Don Miguel Ruiz says that the limit of  self-abuse is the same limit that we will tolerate from someone else. If we think that someone is abusing us less than we believe we deserve, we will allow (or forgive) that abuse. For this reason self-respect and putting yourself in the first place is of key importance. We have the need that others respect and love us, while we don’t love ourselves. We seek love through others so they could patch the holes, not realizing how much love we have inside of us, at the same time grading and doubting the level of love from others. It seems almost impossible that someone can love us, so we have the need to question it on a daily basis. Because of this we never let ourselves love in completeness and we don’t live love as it should be lived.

“We don’t need to justify love; it is there or not there. Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them.”



What happens when we develop absolute respect and love toward ourselves?

First let’s clarify that in this context we’re not talking about classic narcissism. We’re talking about love in it’s true essence, and that is – without ego. Either in ourselves or in our relationship with others. Love can be experienced through different emotions and in different ways, but in essence it is motivating and inspiring. Everything else, what unfortunately is today the most often case, is a form of ego – possessiveness, the sense of need from the sense of incompleteness, addiction… and in that form  it is unsustainable. If there is no mutual growth in a relationship, then it is very likely ego is in the game or the lack of self-respect.
When we develop self-respect which has love at the basis, then we have no reason to doubt we are capable of something, then we don’t let anyone to step on our toes or  throw a piano on our head. In each moment we feel complete and with this we terminate fear and increase our chances to attract what we want or need for the next step in our growth. Growth intensifies the feeling of happiness and problems transform to challenges which we easily take upon ourselves because we start realizing they are smaller than how ego would present them.

In the end, happiness is all we seek. The one thing we are chasing our whole life is a feeling. And every feeling we are capable of creating at any moment. They are a projection of our consciousness and what we give our focus to in that consciousness. To make life more interesting we design different goals and believe we will achieve some kind of “complete happiness” after we complete those goals. This goals actually condition our growth and because of that they are good for us. But, the problem lies where we switched places of cause and an effect. Happiness is not something we should look behind the goals, it is something that we need to get conscious about. It is hidden behind the focus. And the only way to find it is to focus on yourself, IN yourself.  They say you need nothing for happiness and nothing is closer to the truth. We believe we cannot create it because of the reason we believe we have to create it. While it lies behind the focus. The focus liberated from thoughts that produce fear, assumptions and prejudice. It is free from expectations, desires, and need.

Instead of waiting it behind the goal, if we make it conscious inside ourselves, it will become a source for other successes and not an effect of painstaking work to those goals. With happiness as a starting point, problems easily become challenges, fear transforms into excitement for a new experience, and love liberates itself from the need and conditions.


Easier said than done.

Like always.These things are always necessary to justify from the cynicism. Not realizing that moving away from cynicism is the step that teaches us the simple process of shifting the focus, the process of awareness. This is not a word I throw around easily. Awareness, or making something conscious is a process which we CAN control, unlike most of the emotions, situations and people. It is the first step toward growth, but there has to be a desire and will to do it. If there is no true desire then all the exercises in the world I can mention here will not help you. For this reason I don’t write about those exercises now. I focus on the source, I don’t want to explain here how to treat symptoms because those treatments you will find in many other articles – from meditation to visualisation, mantras, gratitude, helping others, researching, changing the habits, etc. There is a great number of tools and all of them can be useful to come closer to the drop that will pour itself into the glass – the process of awareness. Which will turn chaos into order, disturbing the entropy.

I haven’t even got close to explaining all I wanted to and what I think is important, but I said all that was in this process of inspiration. For now – enough. Don’t believe me or deny everything, I don’t care. I invite you to at least try it because, as they say in a cliche way  – you got nothing to lose, and everything to gain. This is at least how I conditioned myself, maybe you need a different path, I don’t know. I only write… because here I feel without the role, without the layers of doubt, with myself.



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